Trump Unable to Govern Because He Inadvertently Fired All His Workers
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Trump realized something was wrong when he arrived at his desk in the Oval Office, hit the famous red button to demand a Diet Coke, and nothing happened. According to Mr. Trump, “I hit the button over and over. Usually a guy brings in a Diet Coke right away. This time, no Diet Coke. It was spooky. Like - has the end times come? I really thought this was it.”
Turns out, Mr. Trump walked into a White House this morning completely empty of all workers. The more than 500 staff members usually buzzing around the halls, turning Executive Orders into lawsuits that may or may not win in court, were suddenly gone. They had received Mr. Trump’s offer (via email from the Office of Management and Budget) that they could resign immediately by responding with the word “resign”, and still get paid through September. And - in a shocking turn events leaving the nation without a working Federal government - they all accepted.
In his first week on the job, Mr. Trump signed 37 Executive Orders, including opening Alaska to oil drilling, ending diversity programs, and changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico, among many others. Ironically, his decision to let all Federal workers resign means none of these Orders will happen, since there’s no one to do the work. According to Mr. Trump’s Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, reached at the Sandals Grande Lucian Resort having just resigned her White House role, “everybody’s up and left. I mean, heck, we get paid through September. Why not take the money and run?” Added Wiles, “turns out, the White House is real cramped. You know what’s not cramped? A beach in the Caribbean.”
President Trump spent the day alone in the White House, largely complaining to hidden recording devices. At one point, he brought the press corps in to have someone to talk with. When asked the hardest part about having no Federal employees, Mr. Trump said, “you know those cool black folders I show the cameras every time I sign an Executive Order? The guy who orders those quit. So I don’t have any more cool black folders with stuff to sign inside.” Explained Mr. Trump, “that’s the President’s whole job, you know? If I can’t sign stuff and show it to the cameras, I got nothing else to do.”
When a reporter pointed out that Presidents have a wide range of responsibilities beyond signing executive orders and showing them to television cameras - for example, running the military, enforcing federal laws, proposing legislation, and directing foreign policy - Mr. Trump shrugged and said, “maybe I’ll just sit here and look stern, does that work?”
After several minutes of Mr. Trump sitting and looking stern, the White House press pool became uncomfortable and began leaving the room. As the last reporter left, Mr. Trump was heard calling out, “can anyone grab me a Diet Coke?”
