President Trump Going For First-Ever Impeachment Three-Peat
TRUMP GOLF CLUB, JUPITER, FL - President Donald J. Trump is the only U.S. President to be impeached twice, but he announced today from the third tee at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, he isn’t done yet. “We think we can get one more,” said Mr. Trump. “We’re going for the three-peat”.
The President was first impeached in 2019 for abusing his power and obstructing Congress when he threatened to hold back military support for Ukraine, unless President Zelensky investigated his political rival in the upcoming election, Joe Biden. But while the House voted to impeach, the Senate did not convict Mr. Trump. “That was key, me not getting convicted,” said Trump. “You get convicted, you gotta go home. They won’t let you be President anymore. That’s why it’s so hard to get that second impeachment. You gotta get away with the first one, then be so brazen you break more rules and get impeached again.”
Of course, Mr. Trump did just that. In 2021, he was impeached a second time for inciting an insurrection against the U.S. Government, after organizing a mob attack on Congress in an attempt to stop the ceremonial certification of Joe Biden’s election. Mr. Trump admitted, “we figured our streak was over. But guess what? The Senate didn’t convict us there either!”
Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader at the time, sounded like he was voting to convict. In his statement after his vote, McConnell said, "There's no question, none, that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day." Yet he and 57 other Senators voted to acquit.
Mr. Trump’s current White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller remembers the moment fondly. “When McConnell chickened out that day, we saw an opportunity we never thought possible.” Mr. Miller paused, finding himself wistful remembering back. “We could actually go for three. I get tears thinking about it. And I’ve never cried outright in my entire life, not even when babies suffer right in front of me.”
Mr. Trump is excited to go after the record. “No one’s ever done it. But we have a decent shot. We’re breaking all the rules we can.”
A third impeachment is going to be much harder than the first two, with Republicans in charge of the House. So far, the Trump administration has gutted the Center of Disease Control and the Federal Food and Drug Administration, putting unnecessary stress on agencies keeping the American people safe from deadly viruses and diseases; allowed Elon Musk to cause chaos in the crucial Social Security agency; and dismantled U.S. international aid programs, all without consulting Congress. “Still, they won’t impeach me,” said an incredulous Trump. “I mean, what do I have to do? I’m literally taking the whole government apart and Congress doesn’t seem to care.”
According to Mr. Trump’s current Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, “it’s gonna take more than that to get Congress to spit out the kool aid they already drank.”
Trump’s latest attempt to get that elusive third impeachment is a doozy. Said Mr. Trump, “we deported an American citizen with no due process and put him in a notoriously violent prison in El Salvador. I mean, that is basically the worst thing a President can do. There is no way Congress lets me get away with that.”
But Speaker Mike Johnson begs to differ: “There are definitely ways we let him get away with that. We fully support disappearing American citizens to foreign prisons, no problem here.”
As Mr. Trump got in his golf cart to head to the green where secret service agents placed his next shot, the President expressed frustration with his three-peat dream. “I don’t know what more I can do. Maybe next Executive Order signing, I’ll drop my pants right there in front of the cameras, show everybody my ‘Mara-Lago’, if you know what I mean. Maybe then they’ll impeach me.”
Former President Joe Biden said even this crazy move wouldn’t do it. “I forgot my pants many times, no one kicked me out.” Said Biden, “Heck, I’m still in office right now. Lots of folks don’t know it. I’m in the coat closet just outside the oval. Actually, I could use a water if you’re ever passing by.”
