Chinese Spies Reeling at Potential Loss of Tik Tok

Chinese espionage set to take massive hit when Tik Tok app goes dark in the U.S.

BEJING - In a secure conference room several floors below ground in the walled Zhongnanhai compound, home to the Communist Party of China, President Xi Jinping met with the leadership of the Ministry of State Security - the Chinese equivalent of the CIA - to address a fast-arriving crisis: the loss of Tik Tok.

According to Chen Yixin, Minister of State Security, "every covert action we have relies on the flow of data from that app. If we stop getting access to Charli D'Amelio's Tik Tok feed, our military efforts to control the South China Sea are out the window. We'll be completely blind out there."

While Khabane Lame's 160+ million Tik Tok followers love his comedic take on life hacks, Chinese spies use his data to strategize their impending military takeover of Taiwan. Said Yixin, "I shouldn't reveal this, but I guess it doesn't matter now. Those Lame videos were a fountain of hidden encrypted inside data our spies were eating up like a buffet in Macau. With Tik Tok gone, we may just give up on all plans for Taiwan."

While the connection to China's global strategy may seem vague, the ban on Tik Tok was also driven by the more understandable concern Chinese spies were pushing propaganda through the app controlling U.S. hearts and minds. According to Yixin, "you got us."

Yixin admitted the secret algorithm selecting videos watched by over 80 million unique users every day in the United States was "like a string on one of those marionettes. We controlled everything that happened in the U.S. for the last five years." Said Yixin, "You may have been laughing at Jools Lebron teaching you how to be demure, but subconsciously you were being brainwashed to think the muslim Uyghurs were evil. It was working, too. Major loss for us."

With their entire espionage effort at a standstill, Minister Yixin was left contemplating other apps they might take over, to regain this vital flow of information. According to Yixin, "We're looking seriously at that mobile Monopoly game. If we can infiltrate that, the sky's the limit. You'll be speaking mandarin before the sun sets."