Trump’s Pick for Defense to Launch Army’s First Drunk and Horny Corps
WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald J. Trump’s choice for Defense Secretary is turning allegations he mistreated women and abused alcohol to his advantage. According to Senators familiar with the idea — but who remain anonymous because they find it deeply offensive — nominee Pete Hegseth proposed the creation of the Army’s first combat unit made up entirely of drunk and creepy guys. The new corps of 15,000 “handsy” troops would have formal training in “knocking down too many shots” and “touching enemy thigh in uncomfortable ways”.
Mr. Hegseth points to his own behavior — joining strippers on stage, or yelling “kill all muslims” at a bar in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio — as proof a drunk soldier is harder to defeat. According to Hegseth, “when you’re ten shots of Jager deep, the entire Taliban army can’t knock you off that stool.” Tactics for the Drunk and Horny Corps would include “loud bragging about your career” and “not so accidental crotch brushing”. Hegseth promised, “there’s no enemy in the world that would be anywhere near us. Creepy wins every battle.”
Mr. Hegseth had been struggling to secure votes for his nomination as Secretary of Defense, where he would oversee 1.5 million active troops and just under 25,000 workers at the Pentagon, most of whom are — on paper — more qualified for the very job Hegseth is after. Many Senators worry Mr. Hegseth’s key qualifications are bankrupting two Veteran’s organizations by throwing drunken parties. Hegseth admits, “those were my key management roles, it’s true”, but insists, “it’s hard to get veterans to party like that — they can be downers. I’m proud of the joy I brought to the table.”
It was at these parties where Mr. Hegseth had affairs and allegedly raped a co-worker who, according to the police report, was only stepping in to help other women avoid Hegseth’s advances — and, in fact, had a husband and two children waiting for her in a room at the same hotel. But these allegations have not caused Mr. Trump to waver in his support. In fact, he seemed intrigued by the idea of a military more focused on “groping”. “Usually,” said Trump, “it’s only the famous one’s who can do that. But Pete was doing all this before he was on FOX, where I saw him and decided he should run our military. He was annoying women way before that. It’s very impressive. It’s the kind of behavior we need leading the Pentagon.”
