Chinese Spies Reeling at Potential Loss of Tik Tok

Chinese espionage set to take massive hit when Tik Tok app goes dark in the U.S.

BEJING - In a secure conference room several floors below ground in the walled Zhongnanhai compound, home to the Communist Party of China, President Xi Jinping met with the leadership of the Ministry of State Security - the Chinese equivalent of the CIA - to address a fast-arriving crisis: the loss of Tik Tok.

According to Chen Yixin, Minister of State Security, "every covert action we have relies on the flow of data from that app. If we stop getting access to Charli D'Amelio's Tik Tok feed, our military efforts to control the South China Sea are out the window. We'll be completely blind out there."

While Khabane Lame's 160+ million Tik Tok followers love his comedic take on life hacks, Chinese spies use his data to strategize their impending military takeover of Taiwan. Said Yixin, "I shouldn't reveal this, but I guess it doesn't matter now. Those Lame videos were a fountain of hidden encrypted inside data our spies were eating up like a buffet in Macau. With Tik Tok gone, we may just give up on all plans for Taiwan."

While the connection to China's global strategy may seem vague, the ban on Tik Tok was also driven by the more understandable concern Chinese spies were pushing propaganda through the app controlling U.S. hearts and minds. According to Yixin, "you got us."

Yixin admitted the secret algorithm selecting videos watched by over 80 million unique users every day in the United States was "like a string on one of those marionettes. We controlled everything that happened in the U.S. for the last five years." Said Yixin, "You may have been laughing at Jools Lebron teaching you how to be demure, but subconsciously you were being brainwashed to think the muslim Uyghurs were evil. It was working, too. Major loss for us."

With their entire espionage effort at a standstill, Minister Yixin was left contemplating other apps they might take over, to regain this vital flow of information. According to Yixin, "We're looking seriously at that mobile Monopoly game. If we can infiltrate that, the sky's the limit. You'll be speaking mandarin before the sun sets."

Trump’s Pick for Defense to Launch Army’s First Drunk and Horny Corps

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald J. Trump’s choice for Defense Secretary is turning allegations he mistreated women and abused alcohol to his advantage. According to Senators familiar with the idea — but who remain anonymous because they find it deeply offensive — nominee Pete Hegseth proposed the creation of the Army’s first combat unit made up entirely of drunk and creepy guys. The new corps of 15,000 “handsy” troops would have formal training in “knocking down too many shots” and “touching enemy thigh in uncomfortable ways”.

Mr. Hegseth points to his own behavior — joining strippers on stage, or yelling “kill all muslims” at a bar in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio — as proof a drunk soldier is harder to defeat. According to Hegseth, “when you’re ten shots of Jager deep, the entire Taliban army can’t knock you off that stool.” Tactics for the Drunk and Horny Corps would include “loud bragging about your career” and “not so accidental crotch brushing”. Hegseth promised, “there’s no enemy in the world that would be anywhere near us. Creepy wins every battle.”

Mr. Hegseth had been struggling to secure votes for his nomination as Secretary of Defense, where he would oversee 1.5 million active troops and just under 25,000 workers at the Pentagon, most of whom are — on paper — more qualified for the very job Hegseth is after. Many Senators worry Mr. Hegseth’s key qualifications are bankrupting two Veteran’s organizations by throwing drunken parties. Hegseth admits, “those were my key management roles, it’s true”, but insists, “it’s hard to get veterans to party like that — they can be downers. I’m proud of the joy I brought to the table.”

It was at these parties where Mr. Hegseth had affairs and allegedly raped a co-worker who, according to the police report, was only stepping in to help other women avoid Hegseth’s advances — and, in fact, had a husband and two children waiting for her in a room at the same hotel. But these allegations have not caused Mr. Trump to waver in his support. In fact, he seemed intrigued by the idea of a military more focused on “groping”. “Usually,” said Trump, “it’s only the famous one’s who can do that. But Pete was doing all this before he was on FOX, where I saw him and decided he should run our military. He was annoying women way before that. It’s very impressive. It’s the kind of behavior we need leading the Pentagon.”